Reminds me of the that day, I still remembered. I was happy and cheerful. That day was 2 weeks ago, but it feel like it's been months ago. I have always been asking myself the same question. What is my real feelings for him? What kind of love I had loved him? Does those love in movies exist? Does my love for him is true? Right now, I don't want to continue my life. Its felt soo pain to think about it. I just want to lay down and cry. Many people cared for me, I appriciate it. It just that loving someone and letting him go, it feels like throwing my life away. It maybe my first love but it maybe the only love I felt soo real. I felt for him more than anything else in my life. I know I'm still young but I know what I want in my life. Him. But for his happiness, it's enough for me.

Its the first time I cried soo much since that day. I couldn't stop myself. My emotion just pour out like that. I became moody. The movie "Lake House", that story I felt its similar. Thinking all of it, it's just a movie. After watching 2nd time, I understand the story's meaning. Even they can't meet each other, they loved each other soo much. I felt for him that way. I thought that he did... I see the world now is empty, no interest in my life anymore. I just want to dream of you, even if it's just a little bit. It would bring me a little smile on my face again. All the movie I saw, I realize my feelings for him. I never loved anyone soo real before. I never love anyone this much. Yet I can never be with him...

Understanding and being cared, I dreamed of that today. Being soo close to him makes my heart beat beats faster. His lips touches mine, it felt soo soft and felt soo real. His hand holding me not wanting me to let go. So close, I hunger for his lips. My hand on his face, I continue kissing him. I want more. Wish that I could just dream on like this, I don't want to wake up.
It's only a dream, I told myself. But why did I dream of that. I never did thought of being with him soo close to him. Atless I dream of him, a part of me felt happy but the other hurts. Knowing that my lips will never be touch. Living alone its not a problem for me, I had always been used to be alone. Why did I ever thought of these? Why I felt that I will not find love again? Maybe cause I never thought of love before. Even I love romance, love movies, I never want one of mine. Stories are friction. Reality are real. Thats end for me.

Everyday feel like it passes soo slowly. An hour felt like a day. I just wish I could quickly grow up and work. I don't want to stay being a teenager. Come to realize, many things I did because of him. I smile because of him, I cried because of him. I just want to quickly end my life, because there's issnt any purpose anymore.
Today I have learned that there are many kind of love, admires to true love. There are many ways to love a person. Its like a bridge, you are standing the on the end and he's standing on the other. Whether or not you waited on the middle of the bridge praying for the person to walk to the middle. It's their choice to choose to be where they are. I cant choose anything, I cant control anything, only can watch his movement. The love I felt, I only could just continue my journey bringing my past along with me.
Many may not understand how I really felt. "Its stupid loving him" "Its not worth being with him" "A relationship like this will never work" even they are just words, they hurts. The scars will always be in my heart.

I went to sg for 3 days. Its been hard for me ever since. It feels like I'm entering a different world but its only hours away. Strangely, over there gives me a warmer feeling than here. It feels I'm close to him yet soo far. I missed that feeling.... During my holiday at sg, my memories came back to me slowly. Every movement, everything I saw reminds me of him. I took care of my cousins, they age 3, 5 and 9. I love the children. I really feel I want to have one of my own but to think of that I would never have a child. I only want a child that belongs to him. Other than that, I took a bicycle ride on my own. Trying to get as far as I could go, see how far I could go alone. I stopped. Afraid what is ahead of me, I stopped there. It was not too far from my resort yet I stop. Why? The end I sat on a bench watching the water hits the beach. I cried quietly, but my head was blank. Bits of my past came through my mind. I dont wan to return, I just want to move forward. In the end I have to. On the way back, I saw a puppy in the bushes. I stop can ran to see the puppy but then it disapear. Now I'm alone, I sat on a rocks, watching the sea. Such a peaceful place it was. Thinking of the past, I wished I could do something earlier. Or maybe I'm just worthless. Everything suddenly return to me, I cried. I cried even more. All his message, I remember. His sweet words, telling me how much he loved me. How did it happen like this... I soon came to realize that we are from different world, we are soo far apart. Not because I'm malaysian and he's sg. Its that my family would never accept a person like him. It will never work. All I want is to love him.
For first day, I dreamed a dream, that it is soo painful. I watch you walk away from my life. I'm still not used to that, you leaving me. I still need you, all I ever wanted its you. My tears would never go dry. My love for you will never fade. One day we may meet, only hoppe that you will be happy.
Nobody would understand how I felt. I still remember in the past that I told you I was scared of losing you and I can't affort that, then you said I don't trust you. Now I trusted you with my life and I lost you in my life. It felt soo suddenly. I still remember that day I ask him if he still love her. He said no. Why this happened..???? I don understand. I really dont. Everything happening now I dont even had a clue that what is happening. I felt soo lost. Alone. I thought you should had told me that something was wrong. Maybe I'm just not good enough for you. You deserve more and I really tried my best. I'm sorry that you waste your time on me, or waste any tears on me. Im sorry... that I love you..... that I couldnt let you go from my heart....

Its been 3 days, it still hurts soo much and my heart felt empty. Feeling soo cold everyday make me used to it. I still miss the warmness, but I couldnt hav them anymore. Felt soo lost, cold in a dark place, it's like a lost child wondering in a street during winter. You look inside a house, a family, gathered around in a warm fire. It felt like a different world. Something I couldnt touch anymore. Whenever I hug my pillow, it reminds me of you. The warmness I felt, but I dont want. I cant... I still love you soo much but most of my feelings faded aready. Whenever I read all these, it reminds me of myself. My feelings for you all rush back to me but it hurts... It felt like my heart is bleeding, it wont stop. I cant continue my life anymore, its like I dont hav a heart. I only force myself to laugh and smile. I just dont want to worry anyone, I just want to keep it all to myself. I couldnt take the pain, thats why Im trying to forget you.
Your words, your words............ I still remember them. It means you would never love me. I dont claim that you are mine but I just want to love you. Even if I said I hope i never met you, its all wrong. I really glad that I met you, no, lucky..... You changed my whole life for once but I dont think I can continue this life with a heart like this. Almost completely forgotten you. Its you who taught me how to love; its you who taught me how to be myself, not afraid. I will never had a friend if you never taught me these or even my life. That why I love you, this is the first time I ever loved someone soo much that it hurts abit if you did the smallest things to me. I dont want to hav dried eyes. I want them to be wet forever even if i cried everysingle day and it wont bring you back.
Your words, "we break" "my feelings getting lighter and lighter" " felt like entertaining myself over a message". The first words hurts but I don get your message. I did felt my feelings get lighter and lighter before,but the end I realise I still love you that if I would hurt you abit, it hurt me twice as much. Maybe cause you did something soo big for me yet I never return one thing for you. Your last word is soo fake.... " its my fault". You just left me like this. You said it and you dint mean it. Dint even cared what would happen to me. Im not saying you must care, but it felt like its not you. The person I know would not leave a person feeling like this. Or maybe Im just imagining you could be the person like this... But its no.. I know, I really know you would not.
I dont want to hate you, I dont wan to forget you. I just wan to love you. You, saying that last words, it felt soo wrong... I aready forgotten most of you, maybe I need to read all my memories to remember you. I just dont know.... I really want you back to my life again. Forgetting you it felt like a river without water; a heart without a soul; a flower without perfume... I dont want to forget you even if my heart would bleed to death. All I wan is to remember someone I loved soo dearly even if you wouldnt love me back. I just wan to love him forever. I miss him.... I love him.... I would always want the best for you even if I had to push myself off a building. I love you and only you... I just want you to feel how I felt for you...

Your words that hurt me soo deeply makes me want to forget about you. I couldnt stand the pain any longer so i prayed to god that he would help me to forget you. I cried for hours, having sleepless night. I tired to hide my emotion and lied to everyone who care for me. My memories of you faded slowly... I want to forget soo badly that it started to fade. It felt empty once again in my life. There are gabs that i forgotten aready and i dont know whats there anymore. Oh, pls dont make me completely forget you untill its too late. Even if I would get hurt, I just want to remember the feelings i had for you; Atleast, I want to remember I love you.. My life, I dont hav a purpose anymore; I just hope I could die. Seriously, I did think I could commit sucide. My heart become dried, cold. Your words, stabeb into my heart. It keept appearing in my head. It says its over, move on. And I just follow it to avoid the pain yet my heart tried to refuse. But the end Im the one hurting myself. What can I do now? I thought he felt for me the same way that i felt for him. I thought he changed to a better person yet till now I finally realise he never did. All my letters, notes for you, I kept them away to avoid memories. My tears slowly dried up but it seems soo meaningless, my life, my memories, I forgot them. There are still some left but it will be gone soon. Trying my best to forget but I still love you...

He said forever, I belive it. How it turn out like this? Am I in wrong? Its not his fault, I cant blame him. But why am I suffering like this? Why cant i juts forget everything? Is it cause its my first love? Or is it that i really love him? Nobody could answer these question, not even myself.
Many said they are glad it end but Im the one suffering the most. My foolishness brought me here and I need to accept the cosicouses. Sometimes I do dream we would be together, having a family. All my foolish doing end up hurting my ownself. I know it would happen to me since the begining but I still couldnt stop myself.
They say love come and goes. But to me it's a different consept. The meaning of love issint cause you are attractive to a person, nor your heart beat fast infront of them, it's someone who touches your heart when nobody did before; A warm feeling that you had in your heart that last; Warm, comfortable place to be never wanting to leave.
Sometimes I do feel he doesnt know his feelings. Love issint you felt for someone and you get them. Its what once in a life time you only could find one. It's like when you are 6 years old and you beg your mom to buy you ice-cream at baskin robbins. You tried all the sample then you bought a flavor. After eating few mouth, you dislike it and you cry and beg your mom to take you back and buy you another. Why can't just follow your heart and choose one in the beginning, it would be much more easiler. But there's a limit. You can buy all you want but when you reach the end you don't have the money to buy any.
I guess I have been lying to myself all the time. Look where my selfishness brought me to. I really hope that I never did meet him and I wouldnt fall for him. I think it's better this way, even if Im afraid of myself for the rest of my life. But I cant cry over a split milk, what done is done.
I had choosen with my heart what I wanted. I will always like the flavor I choose and I will never change it. All I want to say when you need me I would be there and nothing more. I only want you to be happy...

Hahaa.. soo tiring after a school day. Finally choose a background for "Teacher's Day". I can't wait to start doing the background! Yesterday after having meeting, me n my friend went straight to tuition. Aww, my stomach was soo pain during tuition classes then I just fall asleep the hold period. Before that, while I was in school, we played some games thats the reason why I was soo exhausted. We walk around and laugh and doing silly things to. It was raining, I came out of an idea and make paper boat and after that, all the boys come and join too. It was soo funny that I couldn't stop laughing.. It feels like I was 5 or 6 years old, I missed that feeling!! Childish, foolishness and joyfulness ; I felt that. Actually about him, he told me its true and I'm really glad he's honest to me. I do think he's someone really special in a way that most people may not see him the same way. <3

The foolishness part of mine, trying to reach an impossible dream. My heart still belive in what I'm dreaming of. Even if the world is against it, I would still be it's side. My heart was poured when I heard about his past, should I belive it? Yes, I did and I come to realise that I haven't know him or his past yet. It feels like I barely knew him at all but yet I still belive there was something we had. All his past note, all his past message are spinning in my head. I know that he is a trustful person yet I do belive he may not realise his mistakes or his purpose of life means. In another way, do he know wad he want yet? Haha, I cant answer all these and I know he could not too. But I overcome it all as well, I cant always rely on him. He maybe the purpose of life to me but I cant cry and end my life if I wan to move forward. Even i adore him the most, if he still doesn't know wad he want, if his past is a horrible thing to me but I must still suck up my tears and move forward. Thats the only thing i can do but the heart of mine will always be with him. For now and forever...