I went to sg for 3 days. Its been hard for me ever since. It feels like I'm entering a different world but its only hours away. Strangely, over there gives me a warmer feeling than here. It feels I'm close to him yet soo far. I missed that feeling.... During my holiday at sg, my memories came back to me slowly. Every movement, everything I saw reminds me of him. I took care of my cousins, they age 3, 5 and 9. I love the children. I really feel I want to have one of my own but to think of that I would never have a child. I only want a child that belongs to him. Other than that, I took a bicycle ride on my own. Trying to get as far as I could go, see how far I could go alone. I stopped. Afraid what is ahead of me, I stopped there. It was not too far from my resort yet I stop. Why? The end I sat on a bench watching the water hits the beach. I cried quietly, but my head was blank. Bits of my past came through my mind. I dont wan to return, I just want to move forward. In the end I have to. On the way back, I saw a puppy in the bushes. I stop can ran to see the puppy but then it disapear. Now I'm alone, I sat on a rocks, watching the sea. Such a peaceful place it was. Thinking of the past, I wished I could do something earlier. Or maybe I'm just worthless. Everything suddenly return to me, I cried. I cried even more. All his message, I remember. His sweet words, telling me how much he loved me. How did it happen like this... I soon came to realize that we are from different world, we are soo far apart. Not because I'm malaysian and he's sg. Its that my family would never accept a person like him. It will never work. All I want is to love him.
For first day, I dreamed a dream, that it is soo painful. I watch you walk away from my life. I'm still not used to that, you leaving me. I still need you, all I ever wanted its you. My tears would never go dry. My love for you will never fade. One day we may meet, only hoppe that you will be happy.
Nobody would understand how I felt. I still remember in the past that I told you I was scared of losing you and I can't affort that, then you said I don't trust you. Now I trusted you with my life and I lost you in my life. It felt soo suddenly. I still remember that day I ask him if he still love her. He said no. Why this happened..???? I don understand. I really dont. Everything happening now I dont even had a clue that what is happening. I felt soo lost. Alone. I thought you should had told me that something was wrong. Maybe I'm just not good enough for you. You deserve more and I really tried my best. I'm sorry that you waste your time on me, or waste any tears on me. Im sorry... that I love you..... that I couldnt let you go from my heart....