Memories

2009-05-31T19:55:00.002+08:00

Something I never wrote in a long time,
Enjoy~

"I wish to have a chance to see you. If it's okay, to tell you once more. For my future and happiness, that all I wish; Of all wishes I could think of, for me to smile again..."

Grasping that piece of paper between my hand,
If it's ever possible, I wish I can dream again,
To hope; To dream; To cry and to Laugh; Lastly to forget.

I told myself a million times "Move on.."
I told myself a million times "This would be the end"
I told you once "I love you"

The cold wind starts blowing, as I hold my breath,
As I stood under the tree, I could see my breath,
I shivered and gazed at those wishing list, held high above me,
With this paper, I wish it'll be true.

"If I could forget about you, will the pain go?"

All that's left in me is just a name,
Even memories were erased from my head.
What should I do now?

I watched that paper flying at top of the tree
I smiled, and sigh with relief,
But deep down, my heart still aches.

I know my place, I have my pride
Just let me say "Thank you."

2009-05-18T10:40:00.001+08:00

To my mei,

THANK YOU A BILLION TIMES!!!!
Thank you for helping me find the music sheets. <3 I will play it with my very best~ *jumping with joy*
I SOO LOVE YOU!

Jade

Awkward day

2009-05-14T22:30:00.002+08:00

My dad start talking to me about dating and marriage. I was just joking about that topic. Suddenly he ask, "With one is better? Marrying someone that love you the most or marrying someone you love the most?" I heard this question before, my dad asked me about 1 year ago. At that time I said marry someone I love the most but that time he say "then you will get cheated." Swt! Now I answer "Of cause the person who love me the most." Then he said, "No, its better to marry someone you love the most then you will be happy in the future." Lame..... Freaking dam weird but nevermind.
Anyway I found out my sis having a bf but she denied it. Its been 1 week I suspected her aready but I have no prove. Finally I found one!!! She have a couple key chain but only having the girl one, sure got boy de! Nobody would share couple key chain with friends! Aww, I'm actually dam excited but then I will just wait till one day she trust me enough to tell me... Lol..

2009-05-14T22:10:00.003+08:00

Mother's Day!

My mummy n me~

Uh... make it short:
-went for tuition this morning n both my friends din came
-couldn't call my parents cause hp still not yet open
-have to ask teacher for phone but she doesnt have then I said nvm but she help me ask from other guys which I don't know who
-another embaressing thing for me...
-din't do much, just like other sunday watching tv
-cut my hair
-dinner eat hawker food cause dad wanna watch football
-night, talk(skype) with relative cause 4 years nvr see them
Aww...

____________________________________________________________________

Exam time
-quite satisfide with my malay paper
-bloody malay, don't understand question, simply answer but its wrong
-heard news about my friend dating:
+ caught dating by a teacher on Saturday in class with my best friend's bro
+ heard that the teacher wanna see their parents
+ don't know how it goes....
+ my best friend is freaking happy
+ she saids that she nvr meet such a stupid couple dating at school, trying to find trouble
+ for me, nth to say....
-Good luck for me for tmr's paper. HISTORY!

2009-04-28T21:24:00.002+08:00

For the past few days :
- made a new friend which is my sis's pengerusi(president)
- my best friend and my friend are cool now
- It's dam freaking awkward seeing them together
- lost my hp and actually I left it at tuition
- Got free drinks from teacher to help him buy food. LOL!
- Stupid teacher introduce me to another teacher to help her
- freaking addicted to Final Fantasy
- Exam is coming soon....

Last friday after school we went to eat lunch with CW, TS, my bestfriend's bro(Richard) and my bestfriend's bro's friend(CF). After lunch we walk to CF's house then they start to sing karaoke. CW and CF left the room so I follow them then left the president inside with TS n Richard (they paktou) - -" the president came out cz he felt dam awkward. After that nobody dare to go in.. AWW... CW tired to go in but she just open abit then she close the door and came to us. She said she saw smth tat she shouldn't see. I tot WTF... they kissing a? but she say no, they just very very close to each other. YEW... I felt disgusting..

2009-04-11T23:13:00.003+08:00

Found inside my computer, forgot to post it. It suppose to be on 1/1/2009 :

Surprisingly it’s been a year; it just felt like 2 years had past. There’s soo many things happening, sometime I even forgot where I am and who am I. I sat down and think, I still could remember those things that I thought it were 2 years ago. A year changed me soo much, it was quite difficult for me but it was still enjoyable. I was able to be someone soo different that I never thought I could. (if you don’t understand sorry >.<) I learned soo much…. To be strong when you are weak, always being true to yourself and know what I want. Somehow I just forgot my oldself. I’m just half a person I used to be… Don’t need to feel sad for me cause it’s a new year, a new life, a new day to start my own path.

2009-04-11T23:13:00.002+08:00

She knew I know about her thing but she accept him....... WALAU.
She dont even know the first rule of friendship:
1. NEVER, I mean NEVER date ur friend's siblings

I know its none of my busnisess but my best friend is in a very horrible mood. How am I suppose to comfort her. One time she said "Its none of ur business." Zzz, seeing her like tat how am i suppose to have mood. I can't even tell anyone about this problem then made me quarrel with my mom till she cry n my sis too. Blah, I dont even feel sry for tat. I just dont giv a dam anymore.

2009-04-10T13:41:00.002+08:00

Pissed off....
Now my friend(Ts)giving this cold feeling towards me.
- Act like Im not there
- Don't talk to me at all
- Talk to another person but don't want me to listen
- I ask her can I hear or not she say why should u hear my secret when u dont share urs.
WTF. Like I did smth wrong.
Ts says that I'm keeping a secret from her. How can I tell her?
- My best friend(Sena) told me I cant tell her
- My other friend(Cw) also say I better not tell her

The whole week she's been acting cold towards me. EVERYDAY I SEE HER, School/Tuition.
How can I put up to this? I'm FKING stuck at the middle.

I'm DAM sick of acting as nth happen. I just want to tell her n everything just disapear. Walau, the burden is on me? I dont even care about this situation anymore.

2009-04-05T19:48:00.002+08:00

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WORLD... ZZZzzz

My best friend's bro wanna chase my friend
- She's my best friend's friend too
- She's older than him
- He ISN'T SERIOUS ABOUT THIS
- He just bored not having gf
- I wanna slap him cz he is like my bro to me
- I dont know what else to say
It's not my busness so I'm not going to get into it

__________________________________________________________________________________

My friend too is sorta interested in him
- I know she only admire him but not more than tat
- It's like someone to look up to
- FOR SOO LONG N TAT NEWS SHOCKED ME
I just wish this never happen n he would wake up fast

2009-03-25T17:04:00.003+08:00

Hate my classmates,
- a girl took my table and I ask her if I could change back
- she looks like she doesn't want to switch back
- her friend said "Got ur name written on it meh?" but I said I know its mine
- her friend said "Still table mar." I still insist then she says go change with other guys la.
I really wanna slap her in her face and point middle finger. I just stared at her and walk away. Ass, make my whole day mood SUGG

2nd day,
- I went to school early so I change back my table
- Purposely switch my table with that girl's friend's table
- She came in n was angry n looked at me so I walk away
- She wouldn't dare to change mine so change her table with my friend's table
WTH... I REALLY HATE HER!!!

______________________________________________________________________________
Did smth dam stupid during tuition,
- My phone ring n the number look unfamiliar
- I tot it was overseas so I just answer
- A woman ask me "__在吗?"(Is __ there?) but I din hear properly so I ask her to say again
- She ask "你那边是那里?"(What is ur location) I said "马来四亚"
- My friend start to laugh and I realize what I just said
- Then I also start laughing and when I try to answer back the person aready hang up
...........................................

Another one of my painfully unforgettable things I do. - -

2009-03-22T05:36:00.003+08:00

Its been a crazy week for me. It's holiday but doesn't felt like it.
First day of holiday, need to go school to finish up my job then night is my best friend's birthday so I stay up quite late and I stayed at her house. It was my first time though, I meant sleepover. Second day, bloody school camp... First time I only ate a piece of bread since morning and supper at night. I got myself burned by a burning wood when I was trying to help my friend to start a fire. It was a disaster for dinner, it rained and the juniors had to stop cooking and the seniors have to take over. I don't even know how! Eventhough I cook for them and not having anything to eat, it was fun, lol, getting dirty in the mud >_< I was dam excited when I could start a little bit of fire, LOL its like I'm a caveman. The end of the day I was dam tired, but I receive a piece of chicken though ^^. A group gave to me just to say thanks for cooking for them. I felt so alive after that, even it's just a little bit but it filled a small part of my stomach. The camp last for 3 days but then end of 2nd day I went back to my friend house. She's going to KL and wanted me to come along so I just tag along. It's so darn weird not asking my parent's permission to go out so I asked my grandparent's permission to go to KL but it turns out even weirder to ask my grandparents.(My parents went to Thailand - -) My best friend also gave me a darn pretty dress! Omg, I bet it's expensive, she just gave to me just like that, I couldn't receive it! She said "Always give you things you don't wan take" so I just took it but I felt so awful... So I had a daytrip to KL. I wore dam weird, = =" the dress is like working woman clothes but it' nice. So many ppl kept looking at me. That night I slept at her house.
On Friday, I got caught by my mom sneaking out. I mean my mom drop me at friend's house to do homework but then I went out with her and with my best friend. It was my first time doing that though. Then, I don't know how she knew, she called me and ask me where am I. Zzz, I just told her where I am. I couldn't lie to her! If she know the truth n I lied, I'm far worse than dead. She said she want to pick me up now so I ask whether can I go back to my friend's house then she would pick me up. She agreed and I knew once I got in the car, she would lecture... Surprisingly, she din't! OMG, it's like the sky is falling!!!! I told my friends and they wouldn't believe! I bet my brothers would not believe too! It's such a RARE SIGHT. She just said "Take it as an experience, I just don't want you to get used to going out late at night." THATS IT! = =" But really, I wouldn't dare to do that again. I felt the guilt so bad but when she found out, it felt like the weight on my shoulder is gone. Lol, eventhough my friends say I'm dumb to tell my mom the truth but they knew I couldn't lie to my parents. >_<

2009-01-24T23:34:00.002+08:00

Hmm.. I think I better write it now if not Chinese New Year I don't have time for myself.

Actually I hated my class though, they are so rude and doesn't show respect to teacher at all. Haix, I will bare it for one year!!!(I want to transfer school) Besides being in class, I loved being a senior though. It just felt so great, actually I no longer felt embarrass being infront of crowds because I'm the oldest there. I'm able to go places where students aren't allowed to. Like recess, some areas aren't allowed but I usually go there. XD Well, I'm a prefect and my best friend is busy doing her work so I always walk alone though but it is still fun. I get to be alone once in awhile. But still, all I could think of is studying and homework.

January is sports month, so I had to stay back for sport practice but among 4 days I only went 1 time and got punish to run the field 10 laps. Zzzz... Cause that practice falls on my tuition day, exactly on that date!!! And I just cured from my flu, I got sick after running the field and I got sick till now! It's horrible! On that day of sports practice, I was actually alone. -.-" All my friends aren't the same team as me so I studied the whole time. Out of the blue, my old friends called me to sit with them. (Old friends cause I stop mixing with them cause I don't really feel comfortable being with them) Well, when I was in primary 4, 5, 6 and secondary 1, you can say that I mixed with the wrong group of people. They are quite rude so I don't really like it but after being with them for that afternoon, I come to realize everyone is actually the same. They are actually nice to me which I can't believe it! I always thought of them that they are bad people. >_<

Oh ya, somehow I feel my friends are more nice to me. One of my friend love to tease me but helped me alot. He also belanja me drinks and watermelon! My last year classmate also smile at me and complimented at me cause I changed alot. (I usually don't like him cause I get this feeling he hates me) Another friend, she always laugh at my action and we would always go to the club house to play. Well, now I'm glad that I kept no secret between my best friend. She's always makes me happy whenever I see her. ^^ Since secondary 1 I have known her and she's the only friend I ever trust before... Actually it feels great I can trust someone......

2009-01-24T23:21:00.007+08:00

I just simply love the view!

Looks like heaven to me (Australia)My favorite picture!!

2008-12-29T22:16:00.002+08:00

Had a fantastic feast with red wine. Strawberries and white wine for dessert. My bro cook to replace for Christmas eve and New Years eve. By the way, I love his toast. He said "Thanks to my family that giving me support and the money to send me to a good school that I was able to love. And my dad for choosing the right course for me." It was quite stupid of me saying that I was amaze. The reason why I do cause all I think was myself. I always think why nobody ever liked me? Why am I the worse among my family? Will anyone like me? I always ask but I never do anything. All I think was myself. I never thought of my family, they gave me soo much that I couldn't return them any. Sometimes I cried cause regreting I din't do my best for them. I cried when my parents talk to me, trying to tell me to be a better person but still I couldn't control my tears. I feel sad because I disappointed them. I may want some love but its not the right time for me now. Love from my family is enough for me to go so far. Fate will lead me to the person that would love me as much as I return it...

My Christmas!

2008-12-26T00:58:00.004+08:00

Christmas, passed just like that. Just like the normal other days. My parents went to work as if its normal. Haiz, we don't celebrate Christmas like we used to. Well, actually I got used to it. I would spend my days at home doing stupid things. Lol. Eventhough we don't celebrate anymore but I still would pray and wish before I went to bed like I used to every year. Hope that santa would hear it. Lol, I know it sounds childish but sometimes we just have to imagine something that isin't there. To makes us feel better eventhough it's just for awhile. No harm doing it ^^ This year was sorta different. Well, my dad's best friend came over with his family celebrating chritmas eve. Eating satay, fried sotong, and bbq. -.-" omg, its like Malaysian style of celebrating it. Atless I get to drink wine... ^^ omg, that day the wine was super fantasticly NICE!!!! <3 Hmm... well, soo many things happend to me, sometimes I lost track of it and now Christmas is over...

My first time

2008-12-05T12:14:00.003+08:00

On my way to a country which I never go before. A land soo far from mine, Australia was my destination for my year end holiday! I was sorta excited to gave this chance to visit there. About my traveling, its a living hell!! All I did was vomit till my last breath was gone. That's what I get when I traveled none stop for 10 hours. It was really a pain in the ass. Ouch! But still, I have to admite that it really pays off... I fall in love!! The view is more than you could even imagin in your whole life. Even in the plane, just staring out the window watching the sun slowly climb up from that far away cloud. It's just lovely. Those clouds, makes you think of your soft pillow back home...

Well, my first time to a western country. All I could say that it was so different from Asian countries. It's summer here yet it is still so cooling. I enjoyed the breeze when I first came out from the airport. As it blew right at my face, makes my cheek turns red. It was fun for awhile but then I still need to warm myself by rubbing my both hands. My first day goes with meeting with my grandfather's cousin for the first time as far as I could remember. My dad said that I did met her before but it was when I was only 3 years old. To tell you a secret, she's a fortune teller! My dad told stories about her fortune telling. At first I dint belive but now I do... The way she talks to me like she knows everything about me. She told my dad about me and my other siblings. O___O surprisingly its true... Hah. She gets phone call from all around the world to ask her about their fortune. There are some from HK, Msia, Sg and Indonesia, that's cause I heard all of them while she's talking on phone. LOL..

The rest of my holiday was fun. My family rented a car n drove all the way from Melbourne to the "Twelve Apostles". It was about 7 hours drive but we had so much fun. Its not about reaching there though. Its about spending time with my family and the drive to our destination. We stop for food and eat n eat n eat... Then we watch the view and kept on traveling. We stopped by the beach n rested awhile and then continue. It was soo much fun. Somehow I still cant belive that I'm at Australia. Its just too fantastic... The view and all that. It's like u r in a book and someone is reading it. That is in someone's imagination...

2008-11-13T02:03:00.002+08:00

Hmm... I had a fight with my friend. Arhhhh, its been a very stressful time for me. Sigh. It started when we were playing some board game. Then she won so I dont really care but then her attitude. Wth, I play till I couldnt stand and lost my head. I just coundt take her attitude like tat anymore. It's been half a year I friended her and I cant take ppl bossing me around like she's always right n Im wrong. Therefore I couldn't hold on these thoughts and again I cry. It's dam embarrassing. Sigh, then I decided I want to go home. My friend helped me cause I dont really have the face to ask permission, so she helped out. On our way to the phone, we past the art class(club) then my friend push me in. I usually go to art class to lepak so its quite normal the teacher to see me there. I asked him borrow me his phone to make a phone call to my mum. But then, my mom don't let me go back. She said she will come to my school n see me oni then go to work. Walau!!! That whole day I dont wan to go back class at all. So dam pissed at her!! Zzz my friend keep saying its only a game but its not just the game, its HER!! How am I suppose to tell her? I would hurt her feeling. BUT I have been tolerating for soo long and my bubble finally burst. Dammit la. This morning I decided not to go back class till the end of the day. Heck care write I ponteng, its almost the last day. Well, I almost did but I have bio class and that teacher sure come to class.(She's the student affair teacher) I came in late to class and she question me. I was like "Crap... What should I say? That I stayed at art class n get the teacher in trouble?" Lucky I got away. =X I told a few white lies saying I was actually at the lab but nobody came so I went to find my friend. Phew! I was soo relief when she said "You may take your site now." After the end of the class, my friend came to appologise to me and I did too. I only appologise about my anger that morning but I still cant really forgiv her attitude.

2008-11-07T18:37:00.003+08:00

Wahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally its over!! =X Bye bye exam.... ^^ but the result sucks. Oh well, I just close my eyes.

Woooot~
Yesterday my parents kept on argueing - -" about a worker. They always do tat cause of work one but this sounds soo seriously cause its the first time I really hear every single word they said. They were like shouting here n there n I just sat infront of them. O.O" After argueing they just went silences. For a few seconds later they will be laughing n I stood there saying "What the heck??" After a few laugh they would argue again n laugh again. I feel soo lame but atless they din't take it soo seriously. Sometimes if they argue I'm kinda worried n sad cause what happen if it lead to a fight? I don't want my parents to split. I care for them too much =(

Ps: YEAAAAA HOLIDAY.. but BOOOOO~ next year SPM.

2008-10-30T22:59:00.003+08:00

My cute-cute friend wrote a poem during the exam:

There's a naked man opposite my school,
He walked sleepily out,
took a cup of water and
poured it on a cat's back.

He took a baldi and
threw it at the cat,
Its like he doesn't own this cat,
The cat walked angrily away.

He took off his sarung,
just like there's nobody seeing,
There came 3 other men,
And I saw a furless dog,
keept barking at the men.

It sounds abit like the poem we studied. She was laughing during exam and kept smiling at me during exam. She said she just wrote what she saw.

Hit me in the head!

2008-10-28T17:41:00.004+08:00

Lol... = =" just my imagination. Take off your slipper and smack me in the head!

Yip! I think too much. My mom isn't! I knew it by yesterday night. Err.. I sorta forgot the situation but! I knew my mom isn't =P she cant lie properly one. I just remember I talking about my mom will she sign a.. *forgot what it call le* It's a contract that a man give his wife to sign before married so that if devoice the wife only take a certain amount of money (means only very little). That contract =X. My dad say he din't call my mom sign cz tat time he also no money and also even giv her sign she also sure sign one cz she also doono wad izzit. My mom said "Yalo. Who ask me that time I'm soo in love" Lol! =X dam funny. Phew!! Really made me can't stop thinking she with another man. I just glad it's just all in my head. ^^" After we went shopping for food then my mom want to get supper. @_@" Wow! She's been saying want to slim down and it's been a long time she said she want to eat supper. X)

I also rmb last Sunday, cause my relative came back so I have to sleep in my mom's room. Tat morning I'm super lazy to get up so I lie on the mattress. =X My dad call me to get up but I act asleep (I was half asleep too). Then he giv up then he call my mom to get up. She also lazy, my mom then call my dad wait awhile lor. Then my dad kiss my mom >"< Yee!! I din't see a but oni hear =( But sound soo sweet =S....

I think the reason why she's weird for the past 4 days cause...! My relative came back. They love to talk talk talk talk talk. I think she doesnt feel comfortable to talk to them tat much. To tell u a secret! My mom don't really like them because they love to compare their children with me. (not all of them n I also kinda hate it cause I don't get good result but I still don't care ppl saying bad about me) Well, I think cause she's been the only girl in her family and she had small family so she is not used to it.

Ahh! Lol.. have those crazy thoughts for few days, now feel dam stupid about it le... ^^

Woot~ My cousins came back! Soo much fun. They dam lame la. Cz I too free go play sims2 and one of my cousin saw. He want to play. He say try to kill the ppl. He said he last time let them starve to death. I say try fighting n hiting each other to kill each other. Lol, then my uncle came n my brother came with 3 other cousin standing behind watching = -". Starting is argue then insult then poke. After poke got slap then everyone say "SLAP HIM!" Then after that got fight. They became more excited @_@". Lol.. Seriously, you cant even believe it! It's like they r watching football. WTH. My uncle said "Even better than W.O.W." *sweat* The end cant kill by fighting, =( and the child is super sticky till green gases come out. One of my cousin say "Wow, produce green house gas" - -" lame...................

=D I really enjoy this holiday ^^ without studying~

2008-10-26T12:58:00.002+08:00

CRAP LA!! Why do I have this thinking now?? - -" IM HAVING EXAM. Dont need this things to distruct me la...
=( Is my mom having... Err.. affair?

Dam la.. I saw a msg that is in the outbox. It write:
I know you saw my msg but atless call me when you are fine.
(smth like tat) N normy is a gal or boy name?

I need someone to say that I'm just crazy. Dam la, why did I think that way? I cant even sleep properly. Somehow I think it is but I dont think it is cz maybe I think too much. I really don want this things to happen. As I know my father really love my mummy. Sumtimes they argue but its like argueing for fun. @_@" I don't really know how to explain. They would laugh after that. When we travel to KL, and when there's a very romantic song came out and they both knew the song in the radio. My dad would reach his hands to my mom and hold her hands. Aw... soo romantic! But I'm just afraid things would happen between them and they just don't tell me. Haix... Pls someone, tell me to stop thinking.......

Am I silly enough to laught at myself?

2008-10-11T07:20:00.003+08:00

I'm just not real. I'm just words behind a person screen yet others are same to me. Everyday, I would see myself how stupid am I to take it that serious. So, I left that place, I just wish I would never return and hope I would laugh at it in the future.

Here it goes:
Since I left there, I wish I would not turn back but sometimes I do dream I would. Even for just for awhile, I would like to just dream about it. Hahah… I’m just a dreamer dreaming something ridicules and stupid. I have to wake up from there to move to a new place because dreaming is something unreal. It only works in ones mind and not others.

Friends in the past, I still remember, I still can’t forget. They been there for me even though I’m just giving stress to them but they stood by me as I would do to them. Even it’s just words but they understood me. Just words, a little smile and a cheer would brighten up my day. Sometimes I do thank them all the little things they have said to me because it leads to something big to my real life.

Even I’m trying to avoid the past but I still do carry the things I have learned and value it. It’s so much that I couldn’t list it out or even explains it in words. Sometimes I wish I could just go back there once more to say thanks for the experience but I still can’t do tat yet. So, I still need to keep going till I reach a point which I could turn back laughing at my past.

Something just happen in fantasy, nobody would believe in me. Even my friends or family, it’s just something that they would laugh at me. I still can’t say I’m stupid or anything because it becomes part of my life already. I couldn’t tell anyone about it but to put it into words to show how I really felt. It is secret I couldn’t tell anyone because it isn’t real at all…

Sometimes we have to wake up even though we don’t want to. It would not help if you only stick your mind in the past and not letting it go. Things would never change even though you just sit there. Just moving on and accept that things have changed. The world change and we just have to follow it.

2008-10-10T15:15:00.002+08:00

Dam **** UP!!! On Tuesday one of my friend kept ignore me. Wtf.... Cause I din't go for tuition you treat me like that? Common la I aready apologize, what else you want from me? I went to school she ignore, fine it's ok. Then during recess I apologize, she ignore. Dam la her make me no mood. If she dont wan to talk to me fine, like she's what? She can ignore I also can. I'm not going to beg for her. I have much better friends than her. Seriously, I hate these peoples. A little small thing get angry for what? Not like I did a cruel thing to you. Even if I did, we are friends right? We forgive and forget.... Dam you! Then that night she sms me "Can I go your house do project?" - -".... What the hell....

2008-10-10T14:35:00.002+08:00

Izzit pretty?

My little.... Uh.. mei? Aw.. @@ Thank her for the pic? She did smth that made me gone angry at her. Well, I forgive her =X and the pic look soo cute!! =)

2008-10-03T23:11:00.002+08:00

I read a book called "Who move my cheese?". Well, it's a great book about life. My brother advise me to read it, learn about it. He said it was a great book that even everyone could connect to it. And it did... Just that we did not realize till you read it. I did too.
Life kept on changing and we have to change too. Not our personality but our way of life. Our attitude, our job, our relationship, our career and others. It changes, we have to adept to them cause the world would not follow you. The future is in your hands...

Well, my favorite phrase is "what will you do if you are afraid?". Think about it.

Life is freaking sucks...... Well, I have decided to go for architecture. Time to study *sob* Well, I think why not study than work first. Since my brother said studying is much more better than working. Maybe it's true. Studying only worried about your studies better than working, worrying about money. Lol... so its study first! But 7 years seems soo long yet I still don't mind =D its still better than stressing yourself for money.
Well, I today visited my friend for raya. It was my first time visiting friend for raya in my life. Sad.. What a failure I am! Oh my gosh, I started playing some childhood games like "L.O.C.K LO" something like tat. The end I kept losing cause I laughed too much till I couldn't say a word and my tummy hurts soo badly. Aww, his cat is so dam cute! Soo adorable, it makes me wanna hug him soo badly. Lol, btw I'm cat lover! His cat is super lazy like pig! Hah, all cats are, my cat also same.
Now, I stressed myself to do my homework which I forgot and haven't done in this holiday! Crap, time past soo fast. School is gonna reopen! Help me.... I still have 6 moral esseys and 3 Malay esseys to do plus punishment for bullying my teacher(I did not do anywrong, it was cause by my stupid classmates) 30+ pages of Malay workbook. Seriously dam..... **** Haix, what to do, don't pass up will give more homework. Bloody teacher!!!!! I just hope that my exam I could get all A except my chines and malay. Wish my luck! Crappy..... =(

2008-09-12T19:16:00.004+08:00

Do you still remember that promise? I still do.

I'm just glad I that I could see you for awhile. It's been so long I did not dream of you. I couldn't take my eyes off you. Just looking at your gentle face, it makes me smile softly. It’s been so long I have ever smiled like that. It makes my bad days just disappear. I couldn’t even see what’s around me only you I saw, time stood still, my forever seeks ends… I still remember such warm hand you had, such dashing eyes you shone on me. Without words I could read your mind as if I’m reading a book. Holding each other hands, connecting two worlds to one. We stood there gazing into each other eye. I fell in love again…

In just moments, the peachy sky turns into darkness. Flowers around me started to wilt. Birds just vanish into dust. I was confused. I hold on to your hands tighter, afraid you would disappear too. The warm breeze became icy cold, as it blew it became stronger and stronger. It’s a nightmare? We were pulled apart by the wind. My eyes gone wild, words from my mouth couldn’t come out. There isn’t any word in this world could describe how I felt. I can’t lose you again! Yet you let go of mine, I became more confuse. Why?? Why did you let go?? At that moment, you look at me with your gentle eyes with a smile and said “Let go of me.”

Guess what I did? I followed my heart, I did as you said. I… I let go of you. Watching you from a distance, I stood there without a movement. Watching you vanished into thin air, you are gone. The wind stop blowing and everything went back to normal. Trying to clear my sense, I struggle to find your soft palm again. I already knew, it was gone. I just stare at that empty space where you once stood. I only saw your shadow but I couldn’t touch you anymore. Only your image was still in my head, my memory. A memory I must kept to myself, a secret soon to be buried. Even tears were dried, I couldn’t cry because there isn’t a thing to cry over for.

I fulfilled my promise to you. It’s a promise I must keep…

“I will only let go of you if only you tell me to…”

2008-08-02T23:49:00.009+08:00

Days... Weeks... Actually its only 5 days. It started from the beginning.

Oh my "Tian"!

*STAB!*

"AAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Fresh blood slipped to the edge of a rusty knife, stained with blood from the past. As shadow stealth pass the back of the stage. Silence it maybe, a player on the stage acts as nature shows.

Deaf.... As people floats around me. Felt like a blurred dream. Overwhelm with pain at every corner of my mind as I tried to fight my way through it. I reached out for a seat and my dearest friend, Natalie took my hand as she calm me down with question marks all over her head. Asking me what had happened as I just took the pain to myself using my other hand to hide my wound. I turned and smile. I answered "I guess I'm having gastric." Another friend of mine, Cindy handed me a piece of cake. She gave me a light pat on my shoulder asking me if I'm fine. I nodded. Feeling drowsy every moment as I need to head to the rest room after I had some bite.

As I’m heading my way to the rest room as I walked 2 blocks as if I walked 200 miles pulling my other half of my body along, alone. Natalie did offer me help but I couldn't accept a hand just for myself sakes. She had to take care of the stall with Cindy operating it when they finally officially started the event. Streets crowed with people because of the morning rain as they tired to avoid the water splashes down from the sky above.

As I felt something was wrong as the pain slowly bleed all over my stomach, I had to surrender and called it off. I couldn't remember much, it was kind of blurred every second now and then... I only remembered lying down with care, looking out into the sky. What a lovely day, it started with drops of water from heaven as it wet the earth below us. I remember cool wind blew wildly but in a way it's still gracefully...

* * *

Trying to be strong as I controlled my emotions, feeling confused. Tears filled up my sight that I could barely see. It finally burst like a volcano. Lava flows, burning its path yet just like water, following every curve and not against around my cheek. Tears flowed down like waterfall as I used my hand to wipe it off, blushing in front of the doctor feeling ashamed of myself. How could a girl at my age cried shamelessly in the public? With his deep voice, he said "Don't cry dear. It's going to be fine." In my head, thoughts ran through me again and again. Am I going to die? Is it some kind of diseases? Is it a kidney disease? What does appendices means? My mother in the other hand rushed back as fast as she could without saying anything about it. It was quiet in the car, as I tried to wipe the tears that flow so quickly. Like other like daughter, she had thoughts filling her mind too. Which I think is "What am I going to do? Tomorrow I had an appointment at KL but she need to get to Malacca tonight." She had been missing her appointment at KL about 2 times, she couldn't dare to disappoint the doctor again.

"I think we cancel the appointment and take her to Malacca tonight. Papa, so how?" she said confusedly with her shining wild eyes to my father. My father, he kept quiet wearing his thinking face. My elder brother standing at the corner suggested going to KL then I'm able to get into a hospital and mother also able to have her appointment. However his suggestion wasn't heard as everyone in that room was too busy panicking. Suddenly, my father said "Why don't we going to KL tonight so Jade could stay at a hospital at KL rather than leaving me alone at Malacca when nobody (relative) is there and you could go for the appointment too." As the room went silence again, my brother was stunned. Well, I don't mind traveling another hour to KL rather than Malacca being alone in the hospital.

My mother gave the whole world a surprise! Seriously even half an hour for her packing its FAST! It was half pass nine when everything was checked as we wanted to set off. One problem, where is the car key? Who took it after opening the booth of the car? Bloody hell, we wasted 15 minutes finding the key while I'm in pain in the car. In the end we had no choice and no time, my mother took the spare key and we set off to KL that very night.

* * *

Cold and pain, that's all in my mind right now. As mom reach out her hand using her warm slim finger as she tried to warm me by rubbing my leg creating heat. I was shivering tremble on the hospital bed. In that moment, the doctor came to check on me. He said I have to go for urine test and blood test. Blood?! Warm tears flows gently down my face. I hate needless that’s what was in my mind.

A nurse came to take some blood sample. She pulled out a needle as I quickly switch my head to the other end of the bed. With all my courage I tired to get the hold of myself as I took deep breath in and out. My mom in the other hand was holding my other hand calming me down. Waiting for the nightmare was over as my mom was by my side through it together.

A nurse was pushing me on a wheelchair while I’m half awake. There aren’t many memories there except remembering that I’m trying my best with the ache in my stomach as I crawl onto a bed beside me. It was around half past three, my mother, my brother and my sister had left the hospital. I was alone again in a dark room as I slowly go felt into a deep sleep again…

* * *

I was lying on the bed waiting patiently for the nightmare to begin, the surgery. I know that I wouldn’t want tat but I have to play along, I want to take this awful pain away. I have to admit, I was scared. Just then, the doctor came asking where my mom is. I took a deep breath and said “Mummy isn’t here. She went back.” The doctor calmly said “We need somebody to sign before you are allowed to start the surgery. Is there any relative here who can sign the papers? As you said, your mother went back? To Johore? Are you left alone? Who took you here to KL?” I bitted my lips and answered “Urm… My brother drove me and my mother up. She’s staying with my aunt but she had appointment this morning to another doctor.” The doctor thought for a moment and said “Can we call your mother down here to sign these papers?” I replied “Err… I think so.” Then, the doctor gave his orders to the nurse standing beside him and then walks out the door as he vanishes.

I was caught up with fear the whole morning. The next thing I remembered, I was lying on the bed, heading to the operation room. My mom came because she had to sign the papers and call me not to be scared as I watch her standing there as I lost the sight of her. My heart beat faster and faster as I tired to be strong to stop the tears and my fear…

* * *

I woke up from my conscious and I saw my mom in front of me. I was so glad for the first time being so lucky that I’m awake. My wound still hurts but I wouldn’t mind it. My grandma was there too, she bring along her special porridge with my little sister next to her. My sister was curious about my surgery as she ask me what happen. I told her I couldn’t really remember much. My mother and my grandma came twice every day, day and night.

Before that day, I dreamed that I was in bed with hot cup of Chocó in my hand. I hold it as if it’s precious gold with a smile on my face. With it smell, its heaven! Though in reality, I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink yet. Before my mom left, all I could ask was “Can I take a look at the porridge? Even if I’m not allowed to eat, please mummy.” Its was horrible, seeing food in front of me and I’m not suppose have a bite of it.

My aunt and aunt came that night and the following day too. I was surprise that they came to visit me as they took their time off just to see me. I was glad even if my stomach still hurts. They also bought me some food and books for me to pass the time there.

Especially my father who drove all the way from Johore to see me, he couldn’t take me up to KL the other day because he had a business meeting at Terengganu on the following day. When I heard he was coming up, my heart jump with joy~ I really love my father. My mother, my brothers and my sister too! When they came to visit me that night, they kept on making me laugh till my stomach hurts so badly. It feels like my wound is opening up. They kept on talking crap that I couldn’t stand just not laugh.

* * *

The day when I could leave the hospital, my elder brother, my mother and my grandma came to visit. My brother keep making me laugh and my stomach wound hurts a lot. For example, I told him that just now the student nurse’s first time cleaning people’s wound and her hand was shivering as she clean my wound and her face was full of sweat. When she pull out the tube from my stomach that hurts so badly that she kept on saying “Sorry ah.” He said try fainting as she pull, see what her reaction is. I laugh till I couldn’t catch a breath. My grandma scolded me “Don’t laugh. Later your wound will open up.” I kept saying “Don’t blame me, he keep making me laugh.” Then she said “Angry at him.”
The nurse also thought there’s something wrong with me as I couldn’t control myself as I were holding on the door catching my breath.

Actually, having to go to hospital to have surgery wasn’t a horrible experience as everyone thought. I’m able to see with my own eyes, releasing that even you thought you are alone in the world, there’s people who really care. Family, I couldn’t find anyone as caring as them in the world. Even though we fight sometimes but we won’t keep in heart. They meant a lot to me in this world. My entire relative visited me when I was in the hospital dying there. Not exactly all, I mean the ones who stays at KL. Even if they couldn’t make it, they gave me a call too, asking if I’m fine and how was the operation. Seriously, I wouldn’t trade them for the world…

I love my family! *hEartS*

***************************

2008-07-15T06:57:00.002+08:00

Sigh.... I dreamed that I was in a school which I don't know and I'm going out. In a flash, I saw a student on a bicycle dashing just in front. Somehow, I could remember that face as I see it clearly in my head. Without thinking, I ran, chasing him. Feeling confuse but felt like a normal reflexing to do so. I saw him turning right after the school gate. As I run, I was just thinking if I could just see him clearly. After I'm out from the school, I quickly turn to my right but... unfortunately I couldn't find him. When I stop and think about the things I did just now, somehow I felt fustrated and keep asking myself why did I chase him. When the thought just came through me, I woke up. Felt like I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. This thought, I still have it fresh in my head.....

2008-06-24T06:50:00.003+08:00

I thought that I was strong enought to handle it yet my body couldnt take it anymore. I dont know Im geting sick of whatever but I still couldnt stop thinking the foolish things I said to people. Expescially to everyone. Sometimes I said stupidly or abit harsh. I really tried my best to think before what I said. It's really emberess thinking of what I've said in the past when it doesnt felt like me. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the time. I know some people understand me even I've said the wrong things but some who doesnt know me felt like I hate them. ARHhhh.... Soo emberessing. I only could think of it but I don't know why I couldnt change it. Time passes slowly, I lost myself gratuately. I'm sorry if I treated someone weirdly, harsh or stupidly. I really din't mean it.

2008-06-12T15:44:00.002+08:00

Sigh!!!! I'm going to tell my best friend. I always have the words in my head but it seems that I cant say it out but tomorrow I will no matter what! Even if she thinks I'm a fool. I proud to say I love him and she needs to know that.

Also I cant on till my result improve.. I mean by alort. Tio daddy ban. =( But I must get the result as they expected that I can get~ Then I can get my things that I want! Good luck to me.... Going to miss soo many people but hope they still will be my friend when I come back. Muacks! <3

2008-06-06T23:34:00.002+08:00

I still do have those weird hopes even I knew it was not meant to be. I hate it.. I hate to hope.. I hate that I love him.. I hate when I thought of him.. But as I hate, I loved him more. Dammit -_-" Even when I was shopping, I think of him if he's here... During my trip back to my home, I just thought of him the whole way. Tears in my eyes, I cried... Yea, I did cried, looking out of the window.... Sigh... Let it go if there isn't meant to be.

2008-06-06T01:58:00.005+08:00

Morning, I had a cup of warm milo. I went out of the house and sit down on the stairs and watch the fishes. I saw 2 red dragonflies flying everywhere together. How cute?? Then came a orange dragonfly. The dragonflies flew together.. How cute?

That afternoon, my cousin took me around Singapore. We went shopping and that was the first time i sit a MRT. We shopped whole afternoon and at night we went to watch movie. Super tired!! But it was fun! I really love here alot. I wish I could stay longer...

I love sg I love sg I love it!!! I dont want to go back... I promise I will study hard! Then in future I will work here..!! I love here soo much... its like falling in love with the city! Not just because of the shopping mall but its also dam nice living here. =X

2008-06-05T08:25:00.002+08:00

Why? why cant I get my mind of him.. I knew clearly that he would forgotten me already. It just that I couldn't control my heart. From the beggining, that is what the distraction I'm trying to avoid.

I cant say I din't had fun but somehow I felt depress. It's fun living here, I wish I could live here. Taste how issit like for him. It felt soo nice, to beable to felt that he's here. That be close to him. Eventhough I went shopping, I still wish I could just see him. Then I could just turn back with my face with tears and walk away. I just want him to be happy. I just want to tell him how much I loved him. That loving is soo pain that its a scar for me, a painful one.

2008-06-03T23:09:00.002+08:00

That hurts... the so call "Silence pain". It hurts the most...

Everynight I keep telling myself don't cry. Everynight I cry. I keep telling myself he's not the one but everytime I thought of it, it makes me think he's the only one for me. He's the only one I cared, even if you see me having a smile on my face, yet I still feel sad inside. He is my first and only person in my life I ever loved.. My first love......

He's the only person I wanna kiss, the only person I wanna be with for the rest of my life. The only person I can never forget...

2008-06-02T23:17:00.000+08:00

- -" dam tired.... Saturday morning went to KL for 3 days then going to Singapore for 3 days then rush back to go for camp. What the hell....... freaking tried..!!! I dont want to go to camp. I want to stay at Singapore longer...

2008-05-29T22:27:00.003+08:00

Felt soo tired. Went to friend's fairwell party and also sorta my first one. She's going to Penang to further her studies. We walked soo long then finally go in a cafe and they start singing (kara-oke). I dont sing only listen to them. Well, it was very fun but somehow I rather just go home than staying there. I tried to get my mind off about it but I still cant wait to get home and think of him. Actually, I wanted to give him a sweater that I think it would look nice on him and a bottle of stars that I wrote something there for him. Now, I see remember those things, I don't know whether to be happy or cry. There was a rose also, which my uncle gave me that I thought that was what my life is: just like holding a rose with thorn on my hand, soo beautiful but it hurts... That rose, I kept it to remind me of him. Soo much things I see soo much pain...... I just wish I couldnt see at all but I'm still thankful that I got this far...

2008-05-28T09:56:00.002+08:00

Two years ago, I promised myself that I would not fall in love until I finish studies. What if every guys are the same? What if he's is? That thought scared me.
It give me a lot of "what if" and I gave it some time to think about it.....

Now, I know more than anything, I loved him forever....

2008-05-25T21:08:00.001+08:00

That Tuesday's moon. Such beautiful colour, simple yet you could see more than just black and white. It's more than anyone could even imagine. Just like a candle shone brightly in the darkness. It reminds me of you. Among the crowd, you are that special one, the one with colours while others are dull.
No point of me shedding tears, knowing that I can never be with you or should I say, never see you again. Yet I still need to finish my journey ahead of me with my own two legs. Alone isn't the problem, it is what the road ahead of me, covered by that thick layer of fog. It just blinded me, as if I'm covered by a blindfold. I stood that shivering. To tell you the truth, I am afraid of the past. Scared of turning back, I shall walk the road ahead of me. I had learned something "They said life is all about loss but it is not an excusses to destroy yours."
All I could do is write down my feelings...
I hardly knew the real you or even see you, still I love you.
The past few days, I have trying to find an excusses for myself not to love you. Trying to deny it, in the end I still found the foolish and naif part of me loved you deeply.
They said love makes you care for others but not yourself; Cry for others but not yourself. Selfishly loved you with love which is more than love. Only love me and only me, I would return your love to you only and no one else.
My love, it makes me want to give you my heart and soul to you rather than keeping it inside. Love makes me want to share my life with you. Unfortunately, I couldn't really write the full meaning of my love towards you. The real feeling towards you, I couldn't even express it.....
Every single moment, I tried to deny it. Yet every second you would appear in my head. Everything I do, everything I see, it's you I saw. There isn't anyday I never thought about you.....

happy bday, I wish for your happiness...

2008-05-23T06:56:00.002+08:00

I did smth crazy.. - -" prank call a person and confess to him. Cause I lose the game then the punishment is tat. Walau... that person sucks.... He say he's a singer and say at KL with his manager at the studio doing work. He also say want to go genting to get awards for being a new comer in his company. He also say he next week going to ask. I cant stand thHongKong to find apartment. WTF.... Somemore say those crap things which I never ose loser guys talking crap to girls. Cause I cant stop laughting, he say slowly, slowly... My friend call me to ask him sing a song then he sing.. Not only one but two! I cant stop laughting.. One of my friend rolling on the floor and another run to another room and jump around. Somemore thinking about it OMG.. SOO COLD!!! MY HAIR ALL STAND LE! My friend tell me to say "if you dont accept me, I will cry and accept another guy" Then the guy say "wait! I will tell you tmr 80% accept 20% no." Lol than today he say he accept but for one week only. = =" What kind of shyt is tat???? Somemore he's like soo despo lol.... Part of me also say I shouldn't play with people's feeling but actually I feel he deserve it! This kind of guy all bullshyt. Just go die enuff le.

2008-05-22T18:50:00.002+08:00

Wah!! Last Sunday, finally for one year plus never see him le! =/ last time my tuition mate. Lol.. I do feel I'm always attracted to this kind of smart and cool kind of look. Weird... But wah.. its like om when I saw him. I think he forgot me le, well, I don't really care XD I still ignore too..... My town soo small, barely see him... dots.........

2008-05-17T12:26:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was Teacher's Day, well, I was appointed to help setting that event. Aww.. my leg hurts badly and dam sweaty. But it felt nice to do this kind of stuff. Making teachers happy ^^ After the celebration, I stayed back to clean up the school. - -" My finger got cut and my the other hand hurts. After cleaning, all the stay back wanted to play a game. I make a tic tac toe and write the punishment inside. All of them are prank calls but different kind. There is one soo funny, because my friend cant stop laughting, she din't say a word, the guy say "Slowly, I give you time to talk." Another one is my other friend need to tell the person "I love you" but to a guy. He say "Do you believe I'm gay?" The other person reply " Do you believe I will call my bro?" Diao... My sis need to do a prank call too. She say that "I have been longing to say this... I love you." The person reply "Sry, I got like another girl le." Then my sis beg him to tell who is the girl and say that she will cry if he don't. Lol..... My other friend called a guy from another school. She says that she's form 2 and she like him. The guy say "Are you sure you know me?" Then she say ya. Then he nothing to say and pass to another guy. My friend scold and call the guy to put him on the phone back. I cant stop laughting. Somemore, lucky I dint get choosen. Seriously, even it's a prank call, I cant talk to a person through phone. I feel very uncomfortable even if I talk to my friends. The maximum it last is only 1 minute. And - -" i get nervous talking to people through phone, even with my best friend. Lol.. weird huh? Well.. Its me =/ weirdo~

2008-05-15T05:12:00.003+08:00

I couldn't think forward.. Only smile with tears for him. Thinking that if he's close to me... The one that I love, the one I trust. The way he gave a hand to me.... The way he made me feel, stop thinking forward and do what you like with no worries.. I loved him the same as before, but I don't know myself anymore. A smile and laughter that had been force. My heart just couldn't rest, I can't sleep peacefully.... Only thoughts that is blank....

2008-05-15T05:05:00.002+08:00

Hate chiness who speaks chiness!! Diu... always criticizing..... especially when people don't have mood. Zzz.... people only say that don't you feel guilty cheating or not, then start to criticizing me. So dam xxxx up!!! People in bad mood sumore made me cry.

2008-05-12T06:39:00.002+08:00

Yea!!! First time 3 days can play a pieces! ^^ soo happy~ but still got exam..... *sob*

2008-05-11T07:42:00.002+08:00

Whenever I look stand infront of a mirror, I always ask myself which is the real me. Sometimes I felt I'm not the real person. I felt like I'm just acting to be somebody else. Am I the person who know what I'm doing or the naive one? The person typing this or the person that goes to school?
To me, I felt the naive one is me. I'm always the outdated one, the weird one. Felt like I'm always put aside from other people. Some of my friends know the real me, but somehow I have been acting to be another person. I just don't want to be the person I used to be, felt afraid and alone. Sometimes I lost confidence on myself. When I try to get back myself, I become a person who I want to be and it's the opposite of me....

2008-05-08T06:54:00.000+08:00

There's nth much I want to say. Nothing much happen. Only to say I love you. How I wish to say that to you...

2008-05-04T17:50:00.002+08:00

Nobody to share, talk to. Feels quite lonely and quiet. Had a fight with my parents. I feel that my life is always controlled. I don't want to be. I don't want my life to be controlled, felt like everything must go their way even my love life. Zzz.. I just want to love someone on my own. I don't want them to choose for me. I just want a bit of freedom. Love is only something I want to choose. Others have theirs but I don't have mine. They say cause in my family its different from others. Sometimes I feel I don't want to be born if I knew life is like this. Sometimes I just feel want to fall too. To feel the feeling from the sky, nothing around me. Free thoughts, not thinking whats going to happen, only enjoy the feeling from up there. To enjoy the present and not thinking of the future.

2008-05-02T21:42:00.003+08:00

In a bright light, a piano is in sight. A huge dark grand piano beside it, the curtain float gracefully. The breeze blew softly. The wind gently touches my skin. A warmness felt through me as I walk towards the light. Slowly touches the keys, seeing how beautiful it was. I press the notes, a beautiful sound went through me. Strong yet gently. So I continue playing the notes. The music was made, I hear carefully as every notes I heard. It sound like a story, felt sad yet it continue to go on. There is a meaning in every single note, it felt like love in onces life when it turns out that everything is only a dream.
The last thing i remember, I was on my bed. I had forgotten the notes but the music in my dream, its shows my feeling yet my eyes were dried. The graceful music played over and over in my mind, felt like seeing people dancing gracefully in my mind. I just wish I could play it out.
Even if its true, even if my love is just a lie. It's my mistake to make this mistake. As he's happy, I'm happy. Just remembering the music I dreamed, I can just move forward.

2008-05-01T16:26:00.003+08:00

My stupid friend. Always pittying herself. I got fed up and kinda scold her. She keep saying her love life sukz, her life sux. Walau, got nth to pitty ar? Look at the word nia, there are soo many people suffering more than she do. So what if your love life sux? Its only a small part of your life. They suffer their intire life without a proper shelter and food. Then she say cause I never experience love that why I said that. Wth.... People can life enough aready. You should thank god that you have a home to stay. Hate those people who complain without really opening up their eyes.

2008-04-27T23:15:00.003+08:00

Reminds me of the that day, I still remembered. I was happy and cheerful. That day was 2 weeks ago, but it feel like it's been months ago. I have always been asking myself the same question. What is my real feelings for him? What kind of love I had loved him? Does those love in movies exist? Does my love for him is true? Right now, I don't want to continue my life. Its felt soo pain to think about it. I just want to lay down and cry. Many people cared for me, I appriciate it. It just that loving someone and letting him go, it feels like throwing my life away. It maybe my first love but it maybe the only love I felt soo real. I felt for him more than anything else in my life. I know I'm still young but I know what I want in my life. Him. But for his happiness, it's enough for me.

2008-04-23T22:12:00.004+08:00

Its the first time I cried soo much since that day. I couldn't stop myself. My emotion just pour out like that. I became moody. The movie "Lake House", that story I felt its similar. Thinking all of it, it's just a movie. After watching 2nd time, I understand the story's meaning. Even they can't meet each other, they loved each other soo much. I felt for him that way. I thought that he did... I see the world now is empty, no interest in my life anymore. I just want to dream of you, even if it's just a little bit. It would bring me a little smile on my face again. All the movie I saw, I realize my feelings for him. I never loved anyone soo real before. I never love anyone this much. Yet I can never be with him...

2008-04-22T23:10:00.002+08:00

Understanding and being cared, I dreamed of that today. Being soo close to him makes my heart beat beats faster. His lips touches mine, it felt soo soft and felt soo real. His hand holding me not wanting me to let go. So close, I hunger for his lips. My hand on his face, I continue kissing him. I want more. Wish that I could just dream on like this, I don't want to wake up.
It's only a dream, I told myself. But why did I dream of that. I never did thought of being with him soo close to him. Atless I dream of him, a part of me felt happy but the other hurts. Knowing that my lips will never be touch. Living alone its not a problem for me, I had always been used to be alone. Why did I ever thought of these? Why I felt that I will not find love again? Maybe cause I never thought of love before. Even I love romance, love movies, I never want one of mine. Stories are friction. Reality are real. Thats end for me.

2008-04-19T23:14:00.002+08:00

Everyday feel like it passes soo slowly. An hour felt like a day. I just wish I could quickly grow up and work. I don't want to stay being a teenager. Come to realize, many things I did because of him. I smile because of him, I cried because of him. I just want to quickly end my life, because there's issnt any purpose anymore.
Today I have learned that there are many kind of love, admires to true love. There are many ways to love a person. Its like a bridge, you are standing the on the end and he's standing on the other. Whether or not you waited on the middle of the bridge praying for the person to walk to the middle. It's their choice to choose to be where they are. I cant choose anything, I cant control anything, only can watch his movement. The love I felt, I only could just continue my journey bringing my past along with me.
Many may not understand how I really felt. "Its stupid loving him" "Its not worth being with him" "A relationship like this will never work" even they are just words, they hurts. The scars will always be in my heart.

2008-04-18T21:37:00.002+08:00

I went to sg for 3 days. Its been hard for me ever since. It feels like I'm entering a different world but its only hours away. Strangely, over there gives me a warmer feeling than here. It feels I'm close to him yet soo far. I missed that feeling.... During my holiday at sg, my memories came back to me slowly. Every movement, everything I saw reminds me of him. I took care of my cousins, they age 3, 5 and 9. I love the children. I really feel I want to have one of my own but to think of that I would never have a child. I only want a child that belongs to him. Other than that, I took a bicycle ride on my own. Trying to get as far as I could go, see how far I could go alone. I stopped. Afraid what is ahead of me, I stopped there. It was not too far from my resort yet I stop. Why? The end I sat on a bench watching the water hits the beach. I cried quietly, but my head was blank. Bits of my past came through my mind. I dont wan to return, I just want to move forward. In the end I have to. On the way back, I saw a puppy in the bushes. I stop can ran to see the puppy but then it disapear. Now I'm alone, I sat on a rocks, watching the sea. Such a peaceful place it was. Thinking of the past, I wished I could do something earlier. Or maybe I'm just worthless. Everything suddenly return to me, I cried. I cried even more. All his message, I remember. His sweet words, telling me how much he loved me. How did it happen like this... I soon came to realize that we are from different world, we are soo far apart. Not because I'm malaysian and he's sg. Its that my family would never accept a person like him. It will never work. All I want is to love him.
For first day, I dreamed a dream, that it is soo painful. I watch you walk away from my life. I'm still not used to that, you leaving me. I still need you, all I ever wanted its you. My tears would never go dry. My love for you will never fade. One day we may meet, only hoppe that you will be happy.
Nobody would understand how I felt. I still remember in the past that I told you I was scared of losing you and I can't affort that, then you said I don't trust you. Now I trusted you with my life and I lost you in my life. It felt soo suddenly. I still remember that day I ask him if he still love her. He said no. Why this happened..???? I don understand. I really dont. Everything happening now I dont even had a clue that what is happening. I felt soo lost. Alone. I thought you should had told me that something was wrong. Maybe I'm just not good enough for you. You deserve more and I really tried my best. I'm sorry that you waste your time on me, or waste any tears on me. Im sorry... that I love you..... that I couldnt let you go from my heart....

2008-04-16T05:19:00.002+08:00

Its been 3 days, it still hurts soo much and my heart felt empty. Feeling soo cold everyday make me used to it. I still miss the warmness, but I couldnt hav them anymore. Felt soo lost, cold in a dark place, it's like a lost child wondering in a street during winter. You look inside a house, a family, gathered around in a warm fire. It felt like a different world. Something I couldnt touch anymore. Whenever I hug my pillow, it reminds me of you. The warmness I felt, but I dont want. I cant... I still love you soo much but most of my feelings faded aready. Whenever I read all these, it reminds me of myself. My feelings for you all rush back to me but it hurts... It felt like my heart is bleeding, it wont stop. I cant continue my life anymore, its like I dont hav a heart. I only force myself to laugh and smile. I just dont want to worry anyone, I just want to keep it all to myself. I couldnt take the pain, thats why Im trying to forget you.
Your words, your words............ I still remember them. It means you would never love me. I dont claim that you are mine but I just want to love you. Even if I said I hope i never met you, its all wrong. I really glad that I met you, no, lucky..... You changed my whole life for once but I dont think I can continue this life with a heart like this. Almost completely forgotten you. Its you who taught me how to love; its you who taught me how to be myself, not afraid. I will never had a friend if you never taught me these or even my life. That why I love you, this is the first time I ever loved someone soo much that it hurts abit if you did the smallest things to me. I dont want to hav dried eyes. I want them to be wet forever even if i cried everysingle day and it wont bring you back.
Your words, "we break" "my feelings getting lighter and lighter" " felt like entertaining myself over a message". The first words hurts but I don get your message. I did felt my feelings get lighter and lighter before,but the end I realise I still love you that if I would hurt you abit, it hurt me twice as much. Maybe cause you did something soo big for me yet I never return one thing for you. Your last word is soo fake.... " its my fault". You just left me like this. You said it and you dint mean it. Dint even cared what would happen to me. Im not saying you must care, but it felt like its not you. The person I know would not leave a person feeling like this. Or maybe Im just imagining you could be the person like this... But its no.. I know, I really know you would not.
I dont want to hate you, I dont wan to forget you. I just wan to love you. You, saying that last words, it felt soo wrong... I aready forgotten most of you, maybe I need to read all my memories to remember you. I just dont know.... I really want you back to my life again. Forgetting you it felt like a river without water; a heart without a soul; a flower without perfume... I dont want to forget you even if my heart would bleed to death. All I wan is to remember someone I loved soo dearly even if you wouldnt love me back. I just wan to love him forever. I miss him.... I love him.... I would always want the best for you even if I had to push myself off a building. I love you and only you... I just want you to feel how I felt for you...

2008-04-15T06:00:00.003+08:00

Your words that hurt me soo deeply makes me want to forget about you. I couldnt stand the pain any longer so i prayed to god that he would help me to forget you. I cried for hours, having sleepless night. I tired to hide my emotion and lied to everyone who care for me. My memories of you faded slowly... I want to forget soo badly that it started to fade. It felt empty once again in my life. There are gabs that i forgotten aready and i dont know whats there anymore. Oh, pls dont make me completely forget you untill its too late. Even if I would get hurt, I just want to remember the feelings i had for you; Atleast, I want to remember I love you.. My life, I dont hav a purpose anymore; I just hope I could die. Seriously, I did think I could commit sucide. My heart become dried, cold. Your words, stabeb into my heart. It keept appearing in my head. It says its over, move on. And I just follow it to avoid the pain yet my heart tried to refuse. But the end Im the one hurting myself. What can I do now? I thought he felt for me the same way that i felt for him. I thought he changed to a better person yet till now I finally realise he never did. All my letters, notes for you, I kept them away to avoid memories. My tears slowly dried up but it seems soo meaningless, my life, my memories, I forgot them. There are still some left but it will be gone soon. Trying my best to forget but I still love you...

2008-04-14T04:12:00.004+08:00

He said forever, I belive it. How it turn out like this? Am I in wrong? Its not his fault, I cant blame him. But why am I suffering like this? Why cant i juts forget everything? Is it cause its my first love? Or is it that i really love him? Nobody could answer these question, not even myself.
Many said they are glad it end but Im the one suffering the most. My foolishness brought me here and I need to accept the cosicouses. Sometimes I do dream we would be together, having a family. All my foolish doing end up hurting my ownself. I know it would happen to me since the begining but I still couldnt stop myself.
They say love come and goes. But to me it's a different consept. The meaning of love issint cause you are attractive to a person, nor your heart beat fast infront of them, it's someone who touches your heart when nobody did before; A warm feeling that you had in your heart that last; Warm, comfortable place to be never wanting to leave.
Sometimes I do feel he doesnt know his feelings. Love issint you felt for someone and you get them. Its what once in a life time you only could find one. It's like when you are 6 years old and you beg your mom to buy you ice-cream at baskin robbins. You tried all the sample then you bought a flavor. After eating few mouth, you dislike it and you cry and beg your mom to take you back and buy you another. Why can't just follow your heart and choose one in the beginning, it would be much more easiler. But there's a limit. You can buy all you want but when you reach the end you don't have the money to buy any.
I guess I have been lying to myself all the time. Look where my selfishness brought me to. I really hope that I never did meet him and I wouldnt fall for him. I think it's better this way, even if Im afraid of myself for the rest of my life. But I cant cry over a split milk, what done is done.
I had choosen with my heart what I wanted. I will always like the flavor I choose and I will never change it. All I want to say when you need me I would be there and nothing more. I only want you to be happy...

2008-04-11T21:45:00.002+08:00

Hahaa.. soo tiring after a school day. Finally choose a background for "Teacher's Day". I can't wait to start doing the background! Yesterday after having meeting, me n my friend went straight to tuition. Aww, my stomach was soo pain during tuition classes then I just fall asleep the hold period. Before that, while I was in school, we played some games thats the reason why I was soo exhausted. We walk around and laugh and doing silly things to. It was raining, I came out of an idea and make paper boat and after that, all the boys come and join too. It was soo funny that I couldn't stop laughing.. It feels like I was 5 or 6 years old, I missed that feeling!! Childish, foolishness and joyfulness ; I felt that. Actually about him, he told me its true and I'm really glad he's honest to me. I do think he's someone really special in a way that most people may not see him the same way. <3

2008-04-07T19:50:00.003+08:00

The foolishness part of mine, trying to reach an impossible dream. My heart still belive in what I'm dreaming of. Even if the world is against it, I would still be it's side. My heart was poured when I heard about his past, should I belive it? Yes, I did and I come to realise that I haven't know him or his past yet. It feels like I barely knew him at all but yet I still belive there was something we had. All his past note, all his past message are spinning in my head. I know that he is a trustful person yet I do belive he may not realise his mistakes or his purpose of life means. In another way, do he know wad he want yet? Haha, I cant answer all these and I know he could not too. But I overcome it all as well, I cant always rely on him. He maybe the purpose of life to me but I cant cry and end my life if I wan to move forward. Even i adore him the most, if he still doesn't know wad he want, if his past is a horrible thing to me but I must still suck up my tears and move forward. Thats the only thing i can do but the heart of mine will always be with him. For now and forever...

2008-03-06T20:51:00.002+08:00

Yea!!!! Holiday begins........ but sort of sad cause I miss going school. Haha, nvm.. now I have more time to watch drama! The pain and their love touched me soo much... lol, but it's very fun watching it and I do cry a lot ^^ and it is soo romantic!! As it was told in this drama, when your feet is cold but your heart will not be. It is really true.. Haix, I couldn't stop thinking of him. Its been 4 days not being able to know how he's doing or smsing him... sob.. I miss him...!!

2008-03-02T22:12:00.002+08:00

Buzy as usual on weekdays but its the same week over and over again. During the weekend, I prepared dinner for my family, with the help of my father and my sister, my meal was success!! The food was much more delicous then my brother made before~ Today I went out with my friend, we went walking around helping her find a dairy but unfortunedly we couldn't find any. Anyway we bought a handphone bag and some drama and movies too! It was fun talking with my friend the whole day. Since at school we rarely have a chance to talk. Well... I'm looking forward for another week!! Smile always brighten your day~ =)

2008-02-23T13:14:00.003+08:00

Hahass... Its been ages I haven't been able to on com ^^ Well, I'm doing great in my school days~ For the first time I'm soo busy wif my life =X Lols... Well, on Thursday, my school held a celebration for chiness new year~ My school celebrate every year. I had been in this school for 4 years but I only attend twice. The first time was when I'm Form1 and the second time is this year. Each classes, all the students are districted to bring various of food to school, but well, its high school - =" who the heck do that. Sadly my class sucks, only a few of them volenter to help out but it's still ok!
That day, all students were allowed to wear house clothes. Guess what..?? That day they wear like striper. HAHAs.. Lots of girls wore mini skirt, lots of them wore long socks, some wore fish-net-stockings =X and also a lot of them wore vest. There are girls wear high-hill-boots too! And their hair are same nice as their dressing.. Lol... All of them hair look like been bombed. Seriously, their fashion are too ugly! Its soo normal, all of them wearing almost same colour, which is black, white or red. Not only girls, boys too! But they are much better then girls. I'm not insulting but just saying. Wherever you see a guy, they had dog chain on their neck.. and i mean everysingle boys. Lols... makes me think of army...
That day I only wore a simple T-shirt and long pants ^^ but that day was soo boring... Even the performance sucks soo badly. Atleast I spended time wif my best friend for the whole day~ but still, I also can call it an enjoyable day. <3

2008-02-09T01:42:00.000+08:00

Jie..!! don worry about me lar... I know sumtimes i gone very emo but i still don regret wad i choose. I know u wont understand wad am i thinking n u may think im an idiot. But seriously i will not look back at the past and regret wad i did... I know i maybe a fool but I really love him alort... Haiz... its complicated. But I do belive him, and things btwn me n him r serious aready... I jutz hope you would understand.. but anyway i will always be ur little mei~ <3

2008-02-02T15:15:00.001+08:00

Someone gimme some tips! My friend keep telling me her feelings n her stories... n I do feel very uncomfortable but i still need to help out for my friend... She had feelings for a person through net and the person ask her to be her stead but its only net... as most ppl said long distance relationship couldnt work out... But also she was afraid to take chances.... She was hurt my her ex cz her ex stead wif her to make another gal jelouse... My friend hate tat gal not becz her ex like her but cz the gal knew my friend's ex like her n ask questions infront of my friend tat they broke aready or not... Her life seems kinda depress... She usually hide her feelings behind her smile but i can see it clearly tat it isnt real at all... She find her life meaningless... All those stuff here is wad she told me... I felt very sad for her and i don really know wad to say or giv her advise... i jutz wanna help her.....

Spots day...

2008-02-01T23:10:00.001+08:00

Past 2 days my school had sports event. But i wasn't feeling very well so i only watch them ^^ anyway, I'm also not good at sports. So fun seeing them but when the sun comes out its bloody hot.... the only way that to pass my time was daydreaming or picking weed n play wif them lol... XD i know its kinda weird but its fun doing tat... It accompany me... But even I only watch the whole sports day, i do feel this year was the best year among all the past year in my life at secondary~ Lots of ppl did their best ^^ full of semangat... but the 2 days have class too.. but only 4 period on thursday and 3 period on friday... my idoitic teacher wrote on the buku log saying tat i ponteng class!!! Wth!! i never skip any classes in my intire life!!! I went out to help my friend to fix some problems n wrote me ponteng but my friend "find teacher". T.T what if it wrote in my record book.... seriously, Im kinda afraid....

Heaven or Hell?

2008-01-23T12:26:00.000+08:00

The feeling of heaven n hell... what's the difference? What is he thinking now? What make this happen between us? Why is he blaming on himself? Isn't it my fault? I started everything... Why is he blaming himself?? Can I understand his feelings?? Can this thing just stop right now? I wished I never said it... because of my foolish action and my misunderstanding thoughts... and he's suffering like this... He didn't do anything wrong. Why cant he just blame it all on me?? How I wish I'm able to be in his arms once again, A place where i knew once, can i still be able to return that place? How I wish I can throw all these pain away, and everything will be just fine... No matter what my heart belongs to you... <3
I love you...

The Feeling of Mine

2008-01-20T22:29:00.000+08:00

I went to kl to drop of my bro cz he's going overseas.... I was happy tat i did hav a chance to hav alittle chat through sms but I din expect things will happen this way n i felt soo sad tat i cried the whole night... so i wrote this :

Did anyone noticed?
Like a daisy blooming,
In the middle of the field,
When summer came along.

Being watched by heaven,

Warmness are spreaded around;
As life goes on,

Following the gentle wind.

Soon summer will be over,
The colours in the field,
Will it dissapear;

Leaving nothing behind?

Even paradise isnt forever,

Though the beauty cant be compared;

But the view in minds are forever,
Like a painting of them.

Izzit a relationship?

2008-01-18T22:30:00.000+08:00

Haix... sometimes i do feel my fate being wif him get thinner, its like we r two different world... Im afraid of him... Im counted as a gf when im not even there by his side..?? Wad kind of gf is this? or wad u so-call ... Im afraid tat he would be lonely being wif me; afraid tat he would fall for another gal... n tat's life but i don wan it to happen... I jutz doono wad to do in this kind of relationship or situation n i doono which position am in in this relationship... a so-call gf or jutz dating him..?? or jutz a person who he love n nth else... Sumtimes i jutz ignore these problem but it seems to come back to me everytime when ppl ask about us... Tell me..? Wad am i called to u..??

Filled with butterflies...

2008-01-16T06:44:00.000+08:00

Filled with joy; having butterflies in my stomach jutz after having a few sms wif him... I still cant stop thinking wad we said last night... when my heart jumped up when i saw his msg in my phone, it was like something u wan soo badly hav given to u.... it felt soo warm whenever i read his msg, even if i read 10 times or 100 times.. i still felt tat warmness in my heart.... n i slowly felt asleep; seeing his msg... having those thoughts in my head, being by his side forever even if its jutz a second or a moment... loving him... <3

Soo Excited!!

2008-01-15T19:40:00.001+08:00

My first time go kl going such a perfect place!! reach there by evening n went to curve for dinner.... been walking around choosing which restaurant to eat, walk for like half an hour then got fed up n go in a restaurant name "italianis" Wow... the very first moment i entered... wah!!! the smell of cheese is all over the room.... then see the menu, all my saliva come out =X see the price even geng lol.... but the food come really dam fast... n this is one of the best food i ever tasted in my life!!!! Their cheese dipp n spaggati was like even better than eating in heaven...!!! Its soo worth waiting to eat this kind of food..... After dinner, we were like half dead =X stomach soo full... so we went for a walk in the mall n check out wad kind of shops r there n there aint much time for shopping.. it was like 9.30pm+ =/ but the end i bought one top when i jutz entered the shop for like 2 minit... lol... feel kinda rush XD The next day i went to midvalley =X its like my 2nd home there =/ i know the whole building by hard... shopped from morning 11+ till 6+ oni get one set of top n a pair of shoes... feel kind sad... cz i really need a skirt but i went to like 4+ diffirent shop over n over again but couldnt get wad i wan.... Haiz.. but its really fun for the first time when i go kl... usually i will be stuck at my appartment = = n i think im kinda addicted to shopping.... well, its about time i love shopping lol... since im a gal ^^

Idoitic Day

2008-01-12T12:25:00.000+08:00

Wth.... morning woke up at 7.30+ but need to be in school at 8!! omg.... stupid nia!!! fk.. hate my school gals... kawat kaki also doono how to kawat properly.. all like xiao jie.. WTF... cz of them everyone need to do over n over n over n over n over again..... There is a gal... I really wanna kick her ass.... She think she soo great walau, the instructor been saying over n over again n she act she soo good n jutz slimpy do like tat.... they keep say must be tegas n everyone did - - c'b oni her... but nobody go catch her... if im the instructor i slap her face long time ago.... summore giv ppl tat look like she's so proud of herself... Zzz.... nvm... sienz.. I don wan go kl, but i wan buy clothes.. T.T HOW?? I really wanna see him.... but i need to go but... !!! God save me!!!! Haiz.. in the end i still need to go.... I wish i can atless say goodbye to him or smth...... Seriously hate my life; hate traveling; hate being foce.... sob...

2008-01-11T22:52:00.001+08:00

Today my school had an orientation.. i skipped class jutz to help my friend ,lol... skipped class since after recess... im not used to be a bad gal, doono y i like to skip class aready... maybe cz of my friend, she always pull me out from class.. make me feel soo bad, but truely the class r boring... Oh wel.. its school... Haiz... I miss him alort... cant get him off my mind...its aready soo long i never see him... I did sms him but i feel im kinda like im distaubing him.... i did sms him but he sumtimes reply n sumtimes not... most of the time not...... T.T how can i stop worrying about him over here when i cant even talk to him for like about 2 weeks!!!! oh dear god... >.<